Monday, January 3, 2011

panic attacks!

ACKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!! Panic attacks. I seem to be getting them more and more, especially when it is time to pay for another week at this hotel. All I can think of is being in the van with Spanky on my lap, and trying to stay warm with my sleeping bag. Although the bed here is hard as a rock, and most mornings, I need Dale to help me out of bed, it's a bed. I think the worst part of all of this is the insecurity. Husband has a job, but only part time, which is basically only being when people call out. He is still looking for more permanent positions, but it seems as if Augusta is dying here. No jobs at all!

I was talking with another lady who we thought did security here at the hotel, turns out she is staying her with her son, his wife, and teenage grandson, in one room! She told me that she had talked to someone, and they had said there is 33,000 homeless in Augusta. She asked, "where are they all." I wondered the same. We have been extremely blessed by friends of mine that I can't even begin to tell how much I love them, I don't think I could ever use the correct words to give their generosity justice.

I think the worst was when Dale showed me a pic of our house for sale. $25,000, "great for the investment buyer." I felt physically ill. That is a bit shy of 1/3 of my salary working as a RN. If I was to get paid for the last year from the DOL, that they took away from me, it would be near that amount. It makes me sick, I am always teary eyed, and I really don't want to be. My daughter from another Mother on FB, said sometimes it's good to cry, but when that is all you have been doing, and if you get going like I can, I get sick, throw up, etc... Never a pretty site, or feeling for that matter!

I have an appointment with my pain Doc in the am. No pain going down my legs, but still spasms from the lower back. Not sure why as I only have a bulging disc to L5-S1, which isn't impeding on any nerves, so is it because my back is used to being in a certain state that I automatically have spasms? I have no clue. But being able to walk, and not worry about my left leg going out is a blessing. Although, I still have numbness on the left lateral part of my thigh. Sometimes, my whole leg will go numb, so technically still going out (the left one), but able to tolerate a bit more.

I'm worried too about inactivity. Not a lot to do here as this is a busy road, and sooooo many crazy drivers too. I'm afraid I would get mowed down if I went out there. I have gained back a few pounds, which I'm not worried about, because hopefully will start some type of rehab soon. I would like my Doc to do the nucleo-discoplasty (or whatever you call it.. : ) ), to shrink the disc that is bulging. It needs to be in a position where I don't have to worry about it bulging more, He appears reluctant to perform this procedure, and I'm not sure why, so I'm going to keep bugging him about it (I know, not too nice). I need to do something! Anything...I can't do this for much longer! The lady I had talked to told me she and her family had been there since August!!! Well come March, there will not be one hotel in Augusta with a room available for less than 175.00-200.00 at least! Gotta love the Masters...NOT!

Well I guess this has made me a bit sleepy, so I'm going to give it a try, get up early, go for breakfast than ready to head out to Dr Ys. I hope all had a fantastic New Years, and were careful! Wishing all my friends a year full of blessings and joy!

"adult orphan" Lisa

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